Your toes are tired, lower the bar
Stress, that was the topic I was discussing with a coach recently. I went in to the session with the intention to learn about my stress reactions, and as they say, be careful what you ask for!
Midway into the conversation, which wasn’t yet about me (but quickly became it!) she remarked on how some people hold the bar very high for themselves. It resonated, I nodded in agreement. Intrigued I kept listening as she said: often those people need to lower that excessively high bar. I wanted to nod in agreement again, with a sense of “Yes, been there, done that”, but I was pulled away by a physical constriction in my stomach area. I was pulled in by my resistance to this notion that I need to lower the bar and the associated expectations.
As I have learnt to do, I acknowledged this reaction, respected it, and knew I needed space alone to be with it. Hello morning meditation and reflection!
It’s no surprise to me that I have set a high bar for myself. It is a detrimental belief system I have been chipping away at and in this moment, it became quite apparent that I wasn’t quite done chipping just yet. This conversation awoke that part of me that learnt she had to do well. The part of me that experienced the acknowledgement and praise that came when she did really well. That part of me connects a “Good job” with “You are worthy, you are valued”.
As I write this, I get tears in my eyes, because I feel her pain.
Now she is holding on, resisting the notion of lowering the bar, of not doing as well. Absolutely not, I am not doing that… The underlying message being: If I do that, I will be lonely, I will be alone. Why would anyone want me, love me, then?
Holding the pain of that part of me with nurture while welcoming the insight, is for me, the Yin and Yan of healing. The often-challenging process.
As I sat with the sensations, the emotions, my existing cycle of thought started revealing itself and started cracking. I became consciously aware of the unhealthiness of my thought cycle, which went along the lines of: I have to rest, have downtime so that I can perform to the level I have set the bar to. I saw myself standing on my tippy toes, muscles trembling, drops of sweat falling as I with all the might and strength I can summon hold this bar above their head. Way high, as high as I can stretch my body to reach. Holding, holding, holding, going, going, going. Exhaustion. I drop the bar, recover. and raise it again, holding, holding, holding...
The result is stress. Stress, pain, imbalance in my body, my mind, and suffering as I drift further and further away from me, ironically, without getting any nearer to where I want to be.
I forgive this past me, she was doing what she thought was needed to survive.
I see the cycle now, I have the choice to end it. I make a commitment to do so. I quiet the resistance and accept a new lower “default” bar level. Still having my arms stretched out above me, but now, with feet firmly planted on the ground. I set a new default, I don’t need to sacrifice myself to hold this bar so, so high anymore. I know I am safe, I am worthy, and I am love.
Grounded, I stand secure, tall, and proud, because I am respecting myself, my body and my mind. This will sometimes entail lowering the bar even further, nurturing the resistance as I listen to my body as it speaks through pain and trembling muscles. I will also honor my ambition and drive, and sometimes when something is truly important to me, I will raise myself up on my tippy toes for a brief moment. All the while knowing I can go further the lower my “default” level is and the more restitution and nourishment I give my body and my mind.